Light a Light by Janis Ian

是的，我還沒寫完劇本，八月的情和事只能留待九月寫了。這兩天，這首歌一直盤旋在心頭。有人知道在那裡買Janis Ian的CD會平一點嗎？我不想在HMV買，太貴了。



I hear your voice in ev'ry corridor
See your face in ev'ry picture frame
I feel your eyes in ev'ry starry sky
Lover, am I coming home again?

Now am I humble, who once was proud
Now am I silent, who once was loud
Now am I waiting for the sound of your saying:
Lover, am I coming home again?

When you're gone the sun don't shine
Light a light, light a light for me
Bring me back home again

And how we loved 'til the years were days
How we laughed all our tears away
And now the time begins to fade
Lover, am I coming home again?

There's a wisdom in the teachings
of the old familiar songs
And a sorrow in repeating
all the old familiar wrongs
And a lesson to be learned,
though I've know all day long
Lover, am I coming home again?

Light a light, light a light for me
Light a light, light a light for me
Light a light, light a light for me
Bring me back home again
Bring me back home again

這個夏天，我游泳……

這個夏天，我學游泳。

學游泳，不是因為喜歡、不是因為健康、更加不是為了趕潮流。是因為我想克服恐懼，為自己的身體和狀態打開另一種空間和可能。

人在水中，清涼，一無所依，無處著力，卻要學懂放鬆，不怕水，信任水承載你的身體，浮沉、踢水、向前。人越放鬆，在水中越自在，水中的身體與陸上的很不同。我們在陸上，不一定要放鬆才可自由活動；但在水中，人必須要放鬆，否則會沉下去。

還有呼吸，水中與陸上是完全兩套不同的呼吸方法，用錯了，在水中會挺痛苦的。而呼吸，是如此重要，生命攸關，一口氣，怎樣呼、怎麼吸，要明白、要練習、要掌握。

呼吸牽繫到恐懼，越害怕，越呼吸不到，很快就會離開水面去呼吸。人只能夠放鬆，重新掌握在水中的呼吸方法，方可再次在水中活動。

當我們在陸地上，隨着遇到的事情喜、怒、哀、樂，呼吸快、慢、急、緩，可在水中，那是完全不行的，人必須要放鬆，才可呼吸和活動。

我的身體、我的心情，在水中就必須要放鬆了。在全然不同的環境和規矩下，我只能夠慢慢學習適應和改變。

人的可能性究竟有多少？界限可以有多近或多遠？能力有多大或多少？這些都是我近來常想的。我至今還沒有答案，總感到自己現在是一無所依、無處著力，我開始學習放鬆，享受和掌握我的自由，提醒自己好好利用這段空間去探索一下不同的可能性。

還有，謝謝新朋友E的提醒，我永遠可以走回頭。如果這條路行不通，就走回來，試走下一條路。沒錯，我想，總有一條路可以讓我一直走下去。

我希望我不會再被恐懼和不安淹沒，記取沿路的每一段風光，再豐富我的創作，那就是我這個微小人生的小小印記了。

P.S. 小可愛，祝你8個月生日快樂！看着你成長，讓我感到很多很多生命的喜悅。感謝天父！

Send in the Clowns

Thanks to hyf who introduces this song via the Facebook.

My beloved Judi Dench, who really expresses the emotion and spirit of the song.



The original version by Glynis Johns and Len Cariou, which soothes my pain.



Send in the Clowns
Isn't it rich?
Are we a pair?
Me here at last on the ground,
You in mid-air.
Send in the clowns.

Isn't it bliss?
Don't you approve?
One who keeps tearing around,
One who can't move.
Where are the clowns?
Send in the clowns.

Just when I'd stopped opening doors,
Finally knowing the one that I wanted was yours,
Making my entrance again with my usual flair,
Sure of my lines,
No one is there.

Don't you love farce?
My fault I fear.
I thought that you'd want what I want.
Sorry, my dear.
But where are the clowns?
Quick, send in the clowns.
Don't bother, they're here.

Isn't it rich?
Isn't it queer,
Losing my timing this late
In my career?
And where are the clowns?
There ought to be clowns.
Well, maybe next year.

四個小胖子

三月開始，每個星期六的早上，我都與舊同事兼好友J及她的同事打羽毛球。這變成我每星期特定的快樂時光。特別是前陣子心情低落時，打羽毛球簡直有點像鹽水，對我有續命和起死回生的作用。

每次打球時，都看見四個約9至10歲的小胖子，跟着一位高大、嚴厲、年青的教練學習羽毛球。那位教練很嚴厲，除了教他們打球，還練體能，四個小胖子都很乖地一一照做。日子有功，這四位小子的球技也真不賴。

今天，第一次，那位教練不在，剩下這四個小胖子與一位看着他們的大人在球場。大人要四位小子雙打，沒教練在，小孩子的品性就一一浮現了。

四人對打，相當認真，要打分數的。那一方得分，必會對對手做鬼臉、叉腰跳舞相當神氣；反看失分的一方，二人必會內訌，一人會推另一人到場角，叫對方不要亂動；或是爭拗先前一球應該誰接。諸如似類，球場頓時充滿了孩子的笑聲和爭吵聲。我忍不了走到他們的球場，坐下看這四位小胖子打球。他們也看到我，也沒理我。我在觀眾席，是與他們一起笑的。

看了一會，我就回到自己的球場。不一會，教練回來了，球場頓時靜了。我沒看到，想像他們必認真打球。我只聽到教練大聲地讚他們打得好。

如何教育孩子？這是一個非常困難的問題，每人的體會和方法也不同。我只覺得，在中國人的文化和社會裡，自由是非常難得的。我很少聽到中國人會說希望小孩子自由地成長。我們大人有很多慾望、很多想法，往往加諸於小孩子。如何誘發小孩子自身的興趣，去學習適合他們心性的事物呢？那是一個很大的挑戰和難題。

沒有東西是絕對的，自由又是否一定好呢？有些事情，加點力度，逼迫一點，是否更有助孩子成長呢？我看着那四位小胖子的球技，確實也有點羨慕的。這樣打球，除球技好之外，身體也會好吧！說不定一兩年後，已不能稱他們小胖子了。

我不知他們四人在學球的過程裡感受如何，希望當中有快樂。那，長大後，就算他們繼續打羽毛球，還是喜歡了其他東西，學習羽毛球都是他們童年時一段難忘的經歷。

很想再看他們四個自由自在地打羽毛球。
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天資愚鈍，未能一心二用。7、8月我都會努力寫劇本，未能分心寫網誌。文章我會先停一停。除非遇到很觸動心靈和有趣的事，我才會記下。

謝謝各位看我文章的讀者。

懷念Pina Bausch

單單只看過她的《Vollmond》，怎能寫Pina Bausch呢？

但，《Vollmond》確實曾深深打動我，感謝她畢生創作這樣深刻發掘人類情感的舞蹈劇場。未能親身在劇場多看她的作品，是我的遺憾；未能在將來的日子看到她的新作，更是全世界的遺憾。

感謝你，Pina Bausch！這樣深刻感受生命、觀察人生，為舞蹈劇場留下優秀、震撼的作品。

願你安息。

四個乳房

她發現自己有四個乳房那天，感受到的竟然是輕。輕得好像隨時會隨風飄走。

她感到不可思議，那多出的乳房可以這樣不知不覺、無聲無色地存在。她完全不知道它們何時誕生、怎樣形成。到現在，她知道它們的存在，她其實可以假裝不知。

她想假裝，可惜身邊的人不斷向她描述它們將來的樣子和變化。他們總說：「處決它們吧！對你好啊！」她知道、她不否認，她只是不明白，它們為何出現？

這是一個不求甚解的世界，四個乳房這些情況，知道原因與否根本毫不重要。她想，自己可能面對不了那個原因也說不定。總之，不喜歡看見的，先除之而後快，乾淨俐落。

為了不引起太多的目光，她的身體總藏在一襲闊闊的白色長裙裡。每次走在街上，她總覺得那襲長裙會帶她飛上天空。可惜，這襲長裙只帶她遊走於那些由玻璃門、玻璃窗和冷氣組成的診所。

「炎熱的天氣只會令血液不能凝固，傷口很難癒合。」其中一位醫生說，「還是等一等，待天氣涼一點才處決吧！」當她正打算多買幾套長裙，好方便躲藏身體，一位媽媽請她幫忙抱一抱孩子，好讓她以雙手好好應付八袋東西和一個嬰孩。

那孩子在她懷裡，沒有因為怕生而哭，竟然睡得非常香甜。當她回到媽媽的懷中時，竟然醒了，還哭起來。

自此，她就知道她的四個乳房是嬰孩最好的床。

凡是那些被嬰孩吵得快發瘋的，都抱着孩子來找她。當孩子交到她手的一刻，便安靜了，父母也重拾寧靜，接着便重拾自由、興奮地做他們喜歡做的事。

她的家充滿嬰孩的香氣，安安寧寧的，每個嬰孩都在她那裡睡得香甜，她也愛上與他們一起睡。

她與嬰孩們沉醉在睡眠中，不願醒來，連進食也顯得多餘。

那些享受完自由的父母，終於想起孩子，卻發現孩子不願醒來，甚至，不願離開她的房子。哭聲開始在房子裡漫開，卻不能吵醒睡着的孩子。哭着的孩子被強行拖離房子，遠遠還傳來他們的哭聲。

嬰孩，無論睡着的還是被弄醒的，一下子，全部離開了她的房子。房子變得冷清了。

在這個充滿疾病的世界，她不知道這樣的睡眠是不是那四個乳房帶給她的病徵。她不理，就這樣睡去，睡在那四個乳房上。睡好了，才有氣力面對這個冰冷的世界。還有處決那多餘的。

真要處決嗎？還沒來得及想，她又睡了。

A Child and her dog

謝謝阿姐今天傳給我這個故事，很感人。放在這裡與大家分享。
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This is one of the kindest things you may ever see.

It is not known who replied, but there is a beautiful soul working in the dead letter office of the US postal service.
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Our 14 year old dog, Abbey, died last month. The day after she died, my 4 year old daughter Meredith was crying and talking about how much she missed Abbey. She asked if we could write a letter to God so that when Abbey got to heaven, God would recognize her. I told her that I thought we could so she dictated these words:

Dear God,

Will you please take care of my dog? She died yesterday and is with you in heaven. I miss her very much. I am happy that you let me have her as my dog even though she got sick. I hope you will play with her. She likes to play with balls and to swim. I am sending a picture of her so when you see her You will know that she is my dog. I really miss her.

Love,
Meredith

We put the letter in an envelope with a picture of Abbey and Meredith and addressed it to God/Heaven. We put our return address on it. Then Meredith pasted several stamps on the front of the envelope because she said it would take lots of stamps to get the letter all the way to heaven. That afternoon she dropped it into the letter box at the post office. A few days later, she asked if God had gotten the letter yet. I told her that I thought He had.

Yesterday, there was a package wrapped in gold paper on our front porch addressed, 'To Meredith' in an unfamiliar hand. Meredith opened it. Inside was a book by Mr. Rogers called, 'When a Pet Dies'. Taped to the inside front cover was the letter we had written to God in its opened envelope. On the opposite page was the picture of Abbey & Meredith and this note:

Dear Meredith,

Abbey arrived safely in heaven. Having the picture was a big help. I recognized Abbey right away. Abbey isn't sick anymore. Her spirit is here with me just like it stays in your heart. Abbey loved being your dog. Since we don't need our bodies in heaven, I don't have any pockets to keep your picture in, so I am sending it back to you in this little book for you to keep and have something to remember Abbey by.

Thank you for the beautiful letter and thank your mother for helping you write it and sending it to me. What a wonderful mother you have. I picked her especially for you.

I send my blessings every day and remember that I love you very much. By the way, I'm easy to find, I am wherever there is love.

Love,
God